Friday, March 18, 2011

Pet “Pee”ves!!

So after a long break from my Blog… I am jumping back in with a totally random topic I MUST get off my chest.

The subject matter… The Problems with Public Washrooms.

Ok, my family members and a few very close friends may already be aware of my numerous issues with public washrooms, but allow me my rant and perhaps learn a thing or two about me in the process. I have listed these feelings in no particular order.

#1 – Toilets that are not properly affixed to the floor.

Seriously Ladies, you know what I am talking about. You get in to the stall, and sit down, only to realize that you are listing to Starboard. Something is definitely not right. You clench all your thigh muscles for all your worth and try to relieve yourself. How are you supposed to feel relieved with all that clenching? Seriously.

#2 – Toilet Seats that are not properly affixed to the toilet.

Once again, you come rushing into the loo with every thought of relief, only to sit and have the seat itself slip to Port or Starboard… and suddenly you are most definitely touching the icy cold porcelain with your bare skin. Then you have that fleeting image of little germ/bacteria soldiers spying their chance to start their march onto your unprotected skin… and ewwww. Seriously, Germ Armies. They are hard to wash off your upper thigh when you are in a public place.

#3 – Stalls that are made for midgets who carry no baggage.

Ok, I realize that I am personally pushing the 6ft mark for height, and I fact have the longest femurs of anyone I know… including a 6’4 colleague. When I sit on the toilet, I do not want to have to sit in a compromising position just so my knees aren’t jammed into the door. Also, when I am turning to close the door with my purse and my shopping, why is it necessary for me to precariously straddle the toilet in order to get the door closed? Not to mention accidentally setting off the auto flush function while straddling the open bowl just to get the door closed (see point #4).

#4 – Automatic Flushers

I understand intellectually the beauty of the automatic flushing sensor. I mentioned the Germ Army earlier, and I guarantee they live on the flusher… but have you had it automatically flush while still in the middle of the act? It is not good. In fact, I find it extremely stressful. Germ Army riding on a tsunami. Yuck.

#5 – Toilet Paper

OK, I can’t talk about toilet pet peeves without discussing the paper. I would like to challenge Murphy’s law that every 20th public toilet you use (I am speaking for women here), is always out of paper? And if you are lucky enough to have a neighbor next door who is willing to share under the door… why do they give you 4 squares of paper!!! WHO USES 4 SQUARES? Hippies!! And Eco Friendly crazies!! Give me a wad and let me choose how much I want. I guess that is not the bathroom’s fault.

#6 – The Handwashing Experience

So I will close with the hand wash. Hopefully the last thing you do in this bathroom. So you approach the sink with some haste with visions of bacteria soldiers dancing their way up your arms. You lean up casually against the counter to reach the soap only to realize you have now soaked up all the counter water onto your pants/skirt. It kinda looks like you may have peed yourself, but the there is a film of soapy gunk there too. Delightful. Not only that, you discover that the soap is empty and the water is pretty much the temperature of a glacial fed river. Nothing says cleaning like glacier water!! Either way, maybe the germ soldiers all caught hypothermia and died. There is more than one way to finish off a germ army!!

I realize other people have other bathroom pet peeves, often relating to fellow patrons. I also have these negative feelings, but they are reserved for a later blog.

Glad I got these feelings off my chest. I will try not to be so graphic next time.

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